i miss Kevin.
The last time i saw him, a little over a month ago, it was the same thing in a totally different way. We played and laughed and he screamed and when it was all over, Jesus taught me another incredible lesson. i have been home for four weeks, i have been thinking about this “last lesson” for five, and now it’s time that i share it with you all (once again, if you haven’t read the other posts about Kevin, i would encourage you to scroll down and read the other two before reading this one.)
When we went to the orphanage that last Friday, it was raining, which was inconvenient. Rain meant staying inside, staying inside meant small space, small space meant a bored Kevin. i walked inside and found him sitting at a little table eating rice pudding. He smiled as he saw me, i kissed his little cheek, and he gave me one of his sweet hugs. i asked him about his rice pudding (it’s an exciting conversation topic) and tickled him and took his picture. i was well aware of the fact that i needed to cherish every minute that i had with him, so i did.
Within minutes of arriving, he was on my shoulders. We played like always, until he was bored. He left my arms and didn’t look back. He chose someone else.
i was heartbroken, frustrated, and confused. i couldn’t believe that after weeks of letting him crawl all over me (literally) and playing with him nonstop, he would chose someone else over me. i wanted so badly to explain to him that it was so important that he played with me until the very last second, but i couldn’t make a five year old understand that if they spoke english. i was mad at God for allowing him to chose someone else, and confused as to why it was happening. It was supposed to be a sweet time! It wasn’t “supposed” to be this way!
But it was. Kevin was playing with someone else and i was spending my last afternoon at the orphanage watching it happen. Watching him love and laugh and semi-abuse someone else. i just wanted him to love me and want me as much as i love and want him.
Then that familiar voice spoke gently and said, “That is how i feel about you. I want you to love and want me as much as I love and want you too, daughter.”
My heart ached in wanting Kevin. Even as i type this, after not seeing him for five weeks, it still aches that i cannot be with him. Just as The Father aches for me. i was no longer confused as to why the events of the afternoon had unfolded in the way that they had. Though it was bittersweet, The Lord changed my heart that day. He showed me His heart for me, His heart for you. He showed me what i feels like when i choose other things, other people, over Him.
Coming home, i know exactly why i learned that lesson in Guatemala. In The States, i have a million options of things to choose before i choose time with The Father. It is so easy to avoid Him here, while in Guatemala He was everywhere, He was my everything, if i chose something over Him, my world shattered. i hate how easy it is to live life in America. i hate that i can easily get through the day, getting caught up in errands, friends, school, naps, whatever and crawl into bed at night realizing that my bible hasn’t been touched. i’m just being honest here, y’all. i have to choose Jesus every minute of every day.
If i hadn’t met Kevin, i wouldn’t get it. i wouldn’t get that choosing Jesus is not only something that brings me joy, but it also brings My Creator joy. He wants me more than i could ever want Him, more than i could every want Kevin. He longs for us, for His children to want Him and love Him. i’m glad.
Though that last afternoon wasn’t what i pictured or wanted, it was needed. One of my friends once said to me, “The truth is that we can plan all we want and have all these goals to accomplish, but The Father’s sovereign plan will be what happens, and a lot of time it doesn’t line up with our itinerary.” My plan was to play with Kevin, to do the monkey-bars a million times and take a hundred pictures. i planned to spend every minute of time i had at the orphanage with him on my shoulders or my hip or holding my hand. However, The Father’s sovereign plan was different. He threw my plans out the window, His plans happened, and it was perfect. My goals weren’t met, but my life was changed. It’s funny how Jesus does that, huh?
All this being said, i miss Kevin every day. Some days, well most, i miss him so much it hurts. The Father used him to teach me, to love me, to grow me closer to Him.
i am so thankful for the stories i have about Kevin. i am so thankful for the memories i will hold forever of him climbing and screaming and running and being his crazy little Guatemalan self. i am thankful that my Creator wrote my story to intersect with that of the most insane little boy i’ve ever met. All of this, ever detail, every minute i spent with Kevin, have spent thinking about him, and will spend missing him is a reminder of my Heavenly Dad’s love for me.
i am thankful for Kevin.