Hello again. i've been expecting you. i know that you were waiting with patient, open arms for me to fall into you like i always have. We have such a familiar dance, you and i. You show up, your cloudy blue skies and dark afternoons and you romance me. You tempt me, telling me to let you in and let you win. You want so desperately to have me. You beg! Your spend your nights begging me to walk into the darkness, to let the wave crash over me and drown me. You want to swallow my joy, my confidence, my everything. You are hungry for everything that gives me the drive to get out of bed, hungry for anyone who could make me smile. You try with everything you have, with every minute of your every day to draw me into you.
This year is no different.
You are fighting for me.
But you will not win.
You see, December, i'm different now. i'm stronger. When we last met, i ran into your arms. You held me so nicely, you made me feel safe because you held every last part of me. As your cloudy skies rolled in, i allowed my mind to be cloudy as well. As your dark afternoons became normal, my thoughts turned dark too. You're so charming, so influential, so easy! It would be so incredibly easy for me to let you win.
My days would be shorter. They would be painful, but they would be short. i wouldn't have to try to be anything, because i wouldn't want to. i could go by, letting your cold become the only thing i feel. i could allow you into every part of my life; you could have my days, my nights. You could steal my friends and family, robbing me of rich conversation and joy. The light in my eye, the one people love so much, that would be yours too. You'd cut my music choices in half, leaving me only with things that led me deeper into your trap, things that made the wound hurt more. My bright blue eyes would become dull and empty, like your sky. My smile would be shorter, forced, saving me from feeling like i had to share it. Because you're kind, you would leave me my bed and my t-shirts. You'd allow me to stay comfy, keep life simple. You'd establish a solid routine for me; sleep, class, sleep, work, eat, sleep. Sometimes, you'd even give me the motivation to clean myself up, maybe even put on some makeup. Don't worry though, i wouldn't try more than once or twice a week. i know you have your ways and i wouldn't try and change them. You'd be so kind to make my life so simple for me.
But my friend, i've changed.
i'm stronger now.
i don't like simple anymore.
i don't want you.
i want a complicated life, full of good conversation and wide smiles and bright eyes! i want to listen to sad music without feeling sad and live a rich life! i don't want a monotonous, lame routine! i want to spill coffee on my things and have to change into another shirt. i want to have to tell myself to stop smiling because my cheeks hurt! i want to go on adventures and enjoy them, rather than counting the seconds until they're over. i want to have to tell myself to get in bed, because i spend so much time living life outside of it. i want to live!
So, you will not win.
You no longer have the option of deeming me depressed, anxious, or lonely.
You will not will.
December, i welcome you. i am glad you rolled around again, so that i could tell you these things. i need you to know what you do to me. i need you to know that this year, i am fighting. i will allow my God to fight for me every day, sun up to sun down. You may be strong, but He is stronger and He will not grow weary. He is bigger than the chemical imbalances in my brain that you so love to play with. He will win.
Good luck trying. i plan to spend your time here singing under the cloudy skies that are my new favorite color and putting a light in your dark afternoons. Tell your friends, January and February the same thing.
You are just a month, you are just a time of year, you have no power.
i'll see you next year, old friend. Don't get any ideas though, you won't win then either.