"You need to get back what you had."
As my dad said that to me, i heaved a big sob. Tears fell onto the lenses of my glasses like rain onto the sidewalk. i continued to remind myself to take deep breaths, that i had to keep going. He told me that i needed to take some time and pull myself together. He reminded me that i had things to do. i had stuff i had to buy.
On Sunday night, my car was broken into. They smashed my right rear window and took everything in my backseat. My backseat was full of stuff. It could have been called a thief's dream. They certainly saw it that way. With them, they took thousands of dollars of things. They left me with a Beyoncé card, a cold piece of pizza, and a lot of broken glass.
The specifics of this story are of no importance here. i know that because you, dear reader, are human you want to know the details. You long to know exactly where i was parked so that you may never go there again. You long to see a list of every item that was taken, so that you may promise to yourself that you'll never leave "those things" unattended in you car from this day forth. If i were in your seat, i would want to know the same. However, i am unfortunately not in your seat and i will not answer those questions. Yes, i will mention little details-- like the fact that the computer i'm writing this on has never been used to capture my thoughts before. i may crack the door open and allow you to know that i am borrowing my best friend's old bible for the time-being. Yet, in the grand scheme of things, this is not a blog about the things that were stolen from me.
Since Sunday night, i have felt a million different things.
i've been angry, sad, confused, thankful, helpless, indifferent, and lost. The feelings come in waves; one moment i could be ready to punch someone, the next ready to cry, the next laughing. For me, this is a lesson in allowing myself to openly feel things. It is a lesson in letting others in, letting others help me. Let me tell ya, it's a freaking hard lesson to learn (today, my writing is not above the word "freaking"). This has been one of the hardest weeks of my life and i'm mad about it!
However, it will be okay.
It is not okay, but it will be.
i will heal.
Time will pass.
Jesus' goodness is not conditional.
His unfailing love didn't stop when they shattered my window.
He didn't stop revealing Himself to me when they grabbed hold of my backpack.
He did not stop being my Heavenly Father when they decided to take make my groceries their own.
His love still covers me (and them). His grace is still enough for me (and them). He is still faithful to me (and them). He is still offering abundant life to me (and them). He is still God to me (and them). He is still good to me (and them).
When Jesus was like you and me, walking around with dirt on the bottom of His feet and the wind in His hair, He said, "The thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy, but I have come to give life and life more abundantly." John 10:10
Needless to say, i have a better grasp on what satan's plan really is. i know how the enemy intends to make us feel. i know what he is trying to take from us. Like the robbers, he sucks. Like the robbers, he wants to ruin things.
Life advice: don't let him.
We must fight. We must pursue our Creator, even when we feel like life is impossible to live. We must take the impossible moments (even when the moments are weeks) and fight through them. We have a Savior who asks us to let Him carry our burdens. We have to let Him or we will crash under the weight that we are trying to carry. We have to let Him be our Father, we have to let Him care for us because we were not made to care for ourselves.
i think it will take me a long time to fully concept the fact that my car was broken into. Every day since then, multiple times a day, i have realized that something else is gone. Yesterday it was my Cups card. Today it was a necklace. Tomorrow it will be something else. It will always hurt. i will always miss my favorite scarf and i will always be angry when i think about the fact that they left me with a piece of pizza. i will always hate that they get to know what i look like, they get to know my name, but to me they're just blank-faced thieves. The fact of the matter is that my dad was wrong in thinking that i can "buy back what i had" because i can't. i can't buy a Bible with the same worn in leather and written-in margins. i can't buy a new journal and magically have all my words back. i can buy new things, but i will never be able to get back what i lost.
i will never "be okay" with the fact that this happened, but in the end, i will be okay. The did not take my life. They did not take away my ability to smile and laugh and love. They stole my stuff, but i refuse to allow them to rob me of anything else.
i will choose the abundant life.