Today is a day where my heart is so full i think it might explode.
i'm sitting in my bed, sunlight is pouring in over my skin and the wind is filling my room.
The past few weeks have been strange. i would be lying if i said that they have been enjoyable. i would be lying if i told you that they've been the good kind of bad, where though life is heavy, you see Light everywhere. They were quite gray, really. i came off Christmas break feeling numb and anxious, feelings that made their home in my heart for ten days too long.
However today, i feel so human and so alive that i don't know what to do with myself.
i haven't written anything in twenty days.
At first, it was intentional. i told myself to take a break before i came back to school. i told myself that one week off wouldn't hurt anything, yet the next time i sat down with my computer, nothing came out. In these twenty days, i've started four drafts and written (then deleted) a handful of intro-paragraphs. i've heard things that have sparked ideas and i've had conversations that could fuel their own post-- but i haven't written anything. There have been multiple nights where my only plans have been to write something, but then nothing happens. Last night, i sat with my computer in my lap for two hours (no, i'm not over exaggerating) and wrote an almost-complete blog before i deleted all of it. i've sent out multiple text messages to my best friends saying "i can't write" and i've spent morning after morning asking God to give me words to say.
Today, He has.
Today, i will no longer give into the lingering grayness in my heart.
Today, i feel like myself; my hair is big and my heart is full and my second cup of coffee is minutes away from happening.
This, my friends, is a miracle.
It is a miracle in a quiet, powerful way that has our Maker's hand all over it. Last week, i felt trapped inside of numbness and monotony. i had no desire to be with people, to write, worship-- i even only drank coffee to prevent caffeine headaches. i was imprisoned by the schedule of my classes, my job, my internship, and my ever-growing piles of homework while my heart was screaming to feel alive again. My favorite color is gray, but it is by far my least favorite feeling.
The moment i accepted Jesus, a life of numbness and monotony were no longer acceptable. He came to give us an abundant life! He came to bring us back from the dead that our sin had trapped us in! He came to give us so much more than long days filled with work and to-do lists and nights spent doing homework alone that sucks the life out of us. We were made to live, people! Jesus walked this earth loving people radically and healing the sick, while also occasionally flipping tables.
He lived. He died. He rose form the dead.
And now, we get to live too.
Every morning, we get to open our eyes and breathe and smile and drink coffee and do life with other humans. Every morning we are given more second chances than we deserve. Every morning, He gives us life all over again.
The past couple of weeks, i think that i've been missing that. i've been missing the deep breaths and the full smiles. i haven't seen the beauty of life because i was blinded by the gray in my heart. i hated it.
i think that the Father allows those days so that we can appreciate days like today with full, thankful hearts.
Our Creator did not make the world a boring place, nor did He make His children boring people. He is an artist, friends. He is detailed. i think that abundant life sometimes looks a lot like living in awareness of the little things and finding joy in what He's made. i don't want to live a life where i ignore my friends' smiles and i don't take the time to appreciate the way the light is hitting the walls. Like the intricate details of your grandmother's wedding gown, so are the details of every inch of the earth. He did not leave any rock without the perfect shading or a single hair untouched.
We have life because He lived (John 14:19). We no longer have to walk in the grayness or continuously allow the numbness to beat the joy. We have a Father who wants us to be able to feel Him, who loves for us to smile. He delights in us living in acknowledgement of His good news. He delights in us breathing.
i was lost and now i'm found.
i was blind and now i see.
i was dead and now i live.
They gray has no victory, but the Gospel will never lose.
Being able to say that i've felt like myself for almost an entire week is beautiful. i have felt the gray trying capture me again, but in those moments, i have looked to the face of the One who Created the perfect blue that fills the sky. He has once again filled my heart with a desire to live and see the world and love people with all i have in me. He has once again made me new.
As i sit here, sipping my coffee and ignoring the piles of clothes on the floor, i am alive. i am breathing. i am more than the gray that once lived inside of me. i am a child of the King of kings and i will live the abundant life that He has given me.