i am moses

i am a camp counselor and it is the hardest thing i have ever done in my life.

i have the best job in the world.

Coming into the summer, i felt inadequate and scared. i was confident that i wasn’t right for this job, that nothing good could come from me being in this position. i do not have the typical “camp counselor” personality and i was certain that this wasn’t right. When it came time for me to hangout with my first group of campers (almost two months ago), i was overwhelmed and fearful and was tempted to hide in my bathroom and never come out. i convinced myself that i couldn’t do it. The good news is that i wasn’t called to this on my own. 

When i accepted this job, every part of me knew that it was exactly what God had for me this summer. There was no doubt in my mind, in that moment, that i was supposed to be a camp counselor. Yet when the time came, when the bush was burning and God was asking me to lead His daughters to Him, i gave Him every reason why i couldn’t do it.

i don’t have any experience.
i am not friendly enough.
i am too much of a work in progress (what does that even mean?).
i hate waking up early.
i’m bad at small talk. 
i am not a high-energy-talk-all-the-time person.
i intimidate people when they first meet me, campers won’t like that.
There is no way that i can lead a Bible study!

i convinced myself that i was wrong for the job and when my first campers showed up in May, i was living that way. i was walking defeated and fearful and allowing ten year olds to intimidate me. My fear was that these kids would look at me and see anything but Jesus. My fear was that God could not use me to show Himself to His kids. My fear was that my campers would hate me and hate camp because of me. i was afraid that i would fail and screw everything up.

My fears were ridiculous. 

i am Moses.

i am Moses trying to convince the God of the Universe that He picked the wrong person. i am Moses reminding God of all of my faults. i am Moses feeling small and human and thinking of nothing beyond my own abilities. i am Moses looking at the bush and still doubting the power of our Creator. i am Moses being humbled and stretched and living in awe of who God is.

My biggest fear was brought on by pride and disbelief. The common thread of all of those things— the reasons why and the fears that fueled them, is that i am the focus of them. i was believing that i was called to do this job on my own. i was believing a lie.

When God called me to be a camp counselor, He didn’t say, “Do this because you can.” He simply and sweetly and strongly said, “Do this because I AM.”

He tells us that He will be with us always. He says that with Him, all things are possible. He tells us that we will never be alone and that apart from Him we can do nothing. He tells us that He is well pleased with us and that He loves us. We are His children and He is our Father. 

He has given me the opportunity to love His children and to lead them to Him. 

i can because He is. 

Once i understood that, everything changed. When i found the freedom to be completely myself AND be a camp counselor, i could breathe deeper and smile wider. God didn’t call me to do this after i change certain parts of who i am. He didn’t say “You’ll be good for this job IF…” He said, “I am” and i am learning to freely say, “Do your thing. i am yours, Father.” 

We will never be perfect for anything. i will never be a perfect writer, friend, sister, or camp counselor. i will always be human, but i will always have the Holy Spirit living inside of me to make the impossible happen. We walk by faith and not by sight, which includes that we don’t have to live believing the things that we see in ourselves. We get to live by faith that what our God says about us and about Himself is true, which leads us to freedom. We don’t have to do life on our own! He has given us His spirit, and where His spirit is, there is freedom.

Friends, we have to stop living as though the work of God is conditional upon who we are. We have to stop being convinced that we are not enough for Him. We need to learn to live boldly in His victory so that He can use us for greatness! He wants to use us, people! When we stop telling God who we are and we allow Him to show us exactly who He is, Heaven touches earth and everything changes. 

i love my job. i love feeling my Creator work in me. i love watching His daughters meet Him for the first time, with wide smiles and tear-streaked faces. i love that He loves redemption and freedom and life. i love all that He is and that because of who He is, i am able. i am Moses and He is the great I am and He is doing great things.